How To Not Get Anything Done

Technically, I could go into the office. The problem is that no one else is going into the office, so I would be talking to my coworkers on the phone anyway, so why not just stay home.

Trying to conduct group discussions on a conference call is difficult. It is even harder to try to get to consensus on an issue.

This morning we were trying to develop mitigation steps for a known risk in real time. Everyone was talking at once, many were saying the same thing, people were getting pissed. Some of us are more willing to accept a higher risk profile, others are completely risk averse.

I tend toward action, particularly when it comes to developing and shipping products. Over the years I have learned that a development team will sit on a product long after it could have been shipped. They think that something isn’t quite right, or could be tweaked a little more, or the feature set isn’t quite right.

Fuck that.

Just ship the God damned thing and let the customers bitch about shit that doesn’t work.

It’s like people bitching about Microsoft.

“Oh, this so-and-so doesn’t work, typical Microsoft garbage. Am I right?”

No. You’re wrong.

Microsoft is huge. They pump patches at least every Tuesday. If something is broken, they fix it. If enough users ask for the same thing, it might eventually make it into a build.

Someone at Microsoft knows what they are doing. They kick ass and deliver products.

Anyhow.

You want to know the best way to not get anything done?

Here is a list:

  • Surround yourself with people that have never worked remotely.
  • Don’t assign a leader.
  • If a leader seems be naturally emerging from the pack, shut them down by assigning them degrading tasks.
  • Never delegate any tasking, keep all tasks close hold, and make people guess about what they should be doing.
  • Wring your hands over every minor decision, especially the ones that have no impact on outcomes.
  • Don’t set milestones or hard delivery dates.
  • Fail to communicate objectives to your team.

That should just about do it.