Bald, as in eagle and shiny head. One is beautiful, the other strikes fear in the heart. I’ll leave it as an exercise for the reader to pick which one is which.

Having a bald head is amazing if you’re a swimmer or hate shopping for hair products. I’m neither, but seem to be dealing with my baldness just fine.

The Hairy Days

I remember having hair as if it were only yesterday. As a kid, my parents let me do whatever the fuck I wanted with my hair. They had bigger fish to fry like keeping me from getting drunk with my uncle. Good times. I had long, wavy hair that was black with a little brown here and there. Chicks dug it. Marine Corps took care of that, but it grew back when I got out. I never grew it really long again though, just kept a nice haircut.

It was the summer of 2005 when my luscious wavy locks started to really thin, right after my second kid was born and I realized this “Daddy Thing” was going to stick and it was nearing time for me to settle into a miserable “low risk” life in a cube.

Summer of 2006. Yes, and incredible 361 days later and my third child was born. A daughter. Sometime after midnight the night of her birth, I heard a little gasp from my scalp, then the sensation of tiny little things releasing and falling to the floor. The top of my head was cleared out like a cattle pasture on the Amazon. Within weeks, what remained went grey. Fuct. I went from looking 41 to 61. Now that I’m 54 I just tell people I’m 64. I look damn good for a 64 year old. On the upside, there are still rocks in the quarry.

The Upside of Being Bald

I’ve also found that being bald is great for people that like to sleep late in the morning; you don’t have to take a shower to get rid of bed head

To be perfectly honest, I’ve not committed to the brotherhood just yet. I’ve got this bozo thing going on because all the barber shops are closed because of the COVID, but that’s cool too. A close clipping is in order.

I also have a beard. At this point it has been two months since I’ve shaved my face. We went camping at Myrtle Beach State Park back in March. I usually using RV camping as a time to not shave, but this non-shaving period has been extended by the COVID Panic of 2020, quarantine, and teleworking so I said “Fuck it y’all, Bad Santa it is.”

I’m not a huge Fan O’ The Beard, but my wife seems to like it OK. I hope she isn’t saying that she likes it because she thinks I like it. That would be a deadly embrace that would lead us both down a path of tears.

Wait, so the upside. Yeah, it’s pretty much just that you don’t have to mess with your hair anymore, your aerodynamic and hydrodynamic properties are boosted, hats fit better, bugs can’t nest in there, bats can’t lay eggs and make you go insane, a ninja can’t grab your hair and pull you in for a knee to face strike, and haircuts are cheap (at home).

Is There Anything I Can Do To Keep From Going Bald

Genetics man, they’re a bitch.

But you can fight to keep your hair with some healthy practices: good nutrition to include a multivitamin to fill the gaps, exercise, and low stress.


Rogaine (Minoxidil) has been proven to regrow hair in men with male pattern baldness, and there are blends for women as well. I know people that have used it with some success.

I don’t know if it can take a dude from chrome dome to head of hair though.

And there are other medications that help by boosting your estrogen. Guess what the downside of that is if you’re a man? You grow boobs and your pecker won’t work, which might create another set of problems.

Black Castor Oil

I was reading about beard oil, you know, since I’m sportin’ a kickass fake operator beard now.

Turns out Jamaican Black Castor Oil is a killer beard oil, and there are reports of it helping to grow hair. Women use it on their eyelashes and eyebrows and reports are that it helps thicken them up.

I’ve ordered a little from Amazon to spice up the rats nest growing on my face, I might wipe off me hands across the chrome dome.

If any sprouts appear I’ll be sure to yell that shit out from the rooftops. Or just Twitter.




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